Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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