she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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