It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
This baby is an asshole
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
