Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
