Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
