We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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