WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
did i walk over a car last night?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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