Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
