How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
