I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
