Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
