Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
