I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
