Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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