im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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