There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
