oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
