you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
