I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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