I think I won the penis lottery.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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