My boss' voice literally gives me gas
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
