He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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