Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
