I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
