New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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