i just wanna soil my oats bro
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
