I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
