Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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