dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
