i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize