Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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