White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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