one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
