Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
