I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
