My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
