I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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