Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
