i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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