Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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