i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
