you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
