I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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