No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Randomize
