the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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