Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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