I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
