Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
