I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
