my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
