Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
