You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
