I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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