I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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