So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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