I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
