My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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