so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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