she woke up with a sticky ear
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
